How I Met Your Mother, Dexter, and Lost can all proudly return their titles of “awful series finale” and serve a whopping dose of STFU’s to anyone who ever insulted them, because True Blood just single-handedly delivered the most fucking pathetic, piece of shit, worthless series finale in the history of series finales! Seven years I invested in this show… seven years I stuck by faithfully – even when inbred werepanthers were struggling to be a thing… even when I wanted to scream whenever I heard that goddamn name “Lilith” – and I was rewarded with this!
After a big to-do last week, chaining Pam up in silver and demanding to know where Sookie lived, I was expecting some sort of fast-paced, adrenaline-pumping close between the Yakuza, Sookie and Eric. In reality, what we were subjected to was less exciting than a two-hour nap wrapped in a low-budget ballet, covered in a yawn, and shoved into a coma. With Pam once again free, Eric decided to let Sarah go after making sure that she drank Pam’s blood so that they could easily track her down afterwards. Then, he came up with the brilliant idea (dripping with sarcasm, in case you missed it) to kill Mr Gus. So, what all this time always seemed like such an insurmountable challenge was accomplished in a matter of seconds by killing two members of the Yakuza, and blowing up Mr Gus in a tight tunnel. The question now remains, if this were so easy to do, why hadn’t it been done sooner? Like everything else this season, what essentially boiled down to an incredibly simple solution was made into this whole song and dance for several episodes, before ultimately resulting in an anticlimactic finale.
Just as they planned, Pam was able to track down Sarah at the same carnival where Eric turned Willa. While there, Sarah suggested to Pam that she turn her into a vampire, because it was now clear to her that her destiny was not to be the woman behind a great man, but the woman behind a great woman. She then made this incredibly awkward and unsexy attempt at seducing Pam, letting her know that as her progeny, she would be able to have Sarah in any way she wanted. Pam, who has practically made a pass at every beautiful woman on the show at some point or another, not-so-politely let Sarah know that she could shove her Anne Heche Jessie J fake lesbian act, because the two of them would never be sexually involved if they were the last women on earth. I admit, this was a great scene, and it slightly made up for the crapfest that occurred before.
Bill and Sookie finally had their “talk”, where Bill was able to sit Sookie down and explain to her that he wanted the true death because it would mean that she would be free to lead a regular, happy life. I was incredibly impressed with myself, because I was able to watch this entire scene without barfing all over Bill’s face on my screen… even though I really, really wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I understand Bill’s argument; I just think that it’s complete bullshit that they’re making it out to be that he’s doing something so selfless out of love for Sookie. He isn’t being selfless at all! Actually, this was the most blatant display of selfishness that this show has displayed throughout its entire run, and that’s including an entire season of a self-obsessed maenad who ruined the lives of everyone around her just for her own pleasure and desire.
This bitch dude, Bill, had some nerve acting like he was being selfless when he showed up at Sookie’s home, insisting that his decision was the only valid one, and then requesting that she helped euthanize him. But mind you, he wasn’t asking that she do it any old way… oh no, no, no. Not just any old true death would be worthy of the Lilith godlike Bill Compton! He wanted her to use her one and only vampire-killing light on him, effectively turning herself forever human in the process. So let’s get this straight: he was asking her to accept his decision and dismiss hers, kill him even though she didn’t want him dead in the first place, turn herself from fae to human, and never fall in love with another vampire as long as she lived. Where in all of that were we supposed to believe that he was being selfless?
But maybe he’s just so overwhelmed by his love for Sookie that his pure and utter selfishness was limited to her.
NOPE! Think again! Shortly afterward, Hoyt drops Jessica home, where Jessica confides to Bill that although she will never understand why he’s made this decision, and that she doesn’t want him to die, she would support him and eventually be okay on her own. It wasn’t that she wanted to say these things, but she knew that had she been in his position, those are the words that she would have wanted to hear, and so she’s granting him the same favour. This, ladies and gentlemen, is what selflessness truly is. In response, Bill turns to Hoyt and – knowing that Hoyt’s memory of Jessica literally only spans one day – asks him if he would one day consider marrying Jessica. Although Hoyt readily jumps at the suggestion, Jessica balks and takes Bill in private to admonish him about that move. She argues (and rightfully so) that this was not how she had ever envisioned her engagement or wedding conditions to be like. Bill then goes on one of his Bill-like bs speeches about not having been present for his biological daughter’s wedding, and he just wants to know that Jess will be cared for in his absence, and this makes Jessica come around to it. As much as the writers tried to pass this off as a lovely father-daughter moment, I saw it as nothing but a cheap form of manipulation by a selfish douchebag. Jessica and Hoyt’s situation is really no different from Bill and Sookie’s. With Hoyt committing himself to Jessica he, too, will have a life with no children and no “normal” future. So how the hell is it so charming that Hoyt and Jessica should have this life, but for Sookie it’s the end of the damn world? Long story short, the most ridiculous and unnecessary wedding takes place, with Andy officiating and Holly and Arlene in attendance. There were two takeaways from this scene. One was that Bill was able to find a way to leave his house for Jessica, despite not being able to legally bequeath it to her. With Andy as his last remaining heir, he asks Andy to “rent” the house to Jessica at no charge, and it was Bill’s only redeeming moment in the entire episode. The second takeaway was that, with Bill so close to mortality, he was “more human than he’d ever been”, and this allowed Sookie to hear his thoughts for the first time. It was, for her and us, a thrilling and frightening circumstance. His last thoughts were as saccharine as you’d imagine: thinking how much he loved Sookie, and wishing he could marry her like Hoyt was marrying Jessica… and my one thought throughout this was “then drink the cure, you damn idiot”!
The big moment finally came, and Bill and Sookie decided to meet at the cemetery (the halfway point between their two houses) to commit the suicide/murder/euthanasia/stupidity. Bill, fully ready to meet the true death, opens up his coffin, which before this had always only been symbolic, and finds an old photograph of him with his daughter when he’d still been human. You’d think that this would jolt some sense into him by making him realise that human experiences don’t always have happy endings and that he and Sookie could make it if they love each other… but he wasn’t having any of that. As Sookie was about to hit him with her light, she has a moment of clarity, and realises that if she turns herself into a human, she winds up losing a part of her that has really always been a part of her, and should always be a part of her, and she finally comes to terms with her supernatural side. Seriously, I literally said “finally” out loud at this scene. Again, I thought that this would make Bill come to his senses… but he still wasn’t having any of that.
So, understanding that Bill was determined to do this, Sookie breaks off a shovel to use as a stake, and heads into the dug grave, directly into the coffin. They exchange their tearful farewells and “I love you’s” and, just when I was expecting some miracle solution to show up, Bill helps Sookie drive the stake straight through his heart.
I am dead serious when I say that, all up until that point, I’d been expecting something to happen which would have changed Bill’s mind. Because, really, who wasn’t expecting the two of them to end up together? The last thing that I was expecting was to actually see Bill die… this one shook and shocked me, and despite all my annoyance at Bill and his seeming stupidity, I felt cheated, and entered a foul mood for the rest of the night.
We were then shown a flash forward to a year later, and found Eric and Pam as the CEO and spokespersons of New Blood in the cheesiest, most uncomfortable and dishonest infomercial of all time – and that is really saying something. However, Fangtasia resumed business, with Eric once again on his throne and the regular fangbanging going on upstairs. What was new was the lucrative business downstairs. Just as Pam promised, Sarah was turned into a highly paid-for trollop, with wealthy vampires forking over one hundred thousand dollars for sixty seconds of drinking her blood while she remained with her hands bound to the ceiling. Her insanity persisted, and her ex-husband, Steve, remained as a theatrical figment of her imagination, driving her further into crazy territory.
Three years later, the scene shifted into one of surreal bliss. All our beloved remaining residents of Bon Temps reunite at Sookie’s for Thanksgiving, or something. Brigitte, who Sookie gave her stamp of approval, ended up with Jason (like we didn’t see that one coming a mile away); Hoyt and Jessica stayed together this time around; Lafayette and James also made it together (this was cute, but a cop-out, in my opinion, as we were shown no real development of their relationship); Arlene and Keith also stayed together, as did Adilyn and Wade, though their parents would undoubtedly have been married by then (ugh); and Nicole and Sam had a gorgeous daughter, and still lived in Chicago, though they visited for the lunch. The biggest surprise was supposed to be that Sookie also found someone else, presumably a human, as she wound up pregnant (but really, a werewolf, fae or other supernatural who wasn’t dead could have accomplished that), but we were deliberately kept from seeing his face. As such, he remained somewhat of a mystery to us, with Bill visually remaining her true match.
I admit that Bill’s death was a complete roundhouse kick to my emotions. But other than that, I don’t really think that the episode was really anything special. I suppose we should be relieved that it had a relatively happy ending, but it just seemed mediocre and half-assed. Either way, this episode marked the end of a very tumultuous seven years, and with all its hits and misses, we can all agree that it was quite a fangtastic show. Yes, I’ll see myself out now… with these GIFs!